The Life of Brian

1983

In 1983 I was the ripe old age of 8.  That's a lucky thing.  My mom loves the number eight and is convinced that it brings her luck.  If you ever play poker w/ her, you can be sure she will deal at least one hand of five card draw," EIGHTS are wild!"  Still attending Topa Topa elementary, my teacher this year was Mrs Matheny.  She was known for being fairly strict.  I vaguely recall my mother being concerned about this.  I don't have any memories of her being bad in any way, or overly strict.  Handball, basketball, and the swings ruled my daily life at school.  We had an assortment of handballs.  They were the heavy-duty red rubber kind. Whoever the fastest (maybe the best at cheating) kid was, they always headed straight for the ball that was half the size of our own bodies.  Everyone wanted that huge thing!  I remember getting some really good finger jams playing that game.  You know what though.  I never complained about them.  Jammed fingers were par for the course.  Some of the more daring kids were doing back flips off of the swings.  I would get really good at this in the fifth and sixth grades.  Not before nearly breaking my neck first. Don't worry mom if you are reading this, it wasn't that close (clearing throat).  Basketball is a general term.  What we were playing, wouldn't constitute for the actual game, but a variation that sometimes turned in to baskerslaughterball.  I can hear the sound of the ball ricocheting off little Jimmy's head still to this day.  Similar to dropping a watermelon on the ground without it breaking.  Good times indeed.  I sure hope Jimmy isn't in a rest home at the age of 48, slurping his dinner through a straw?  Kids are tough though, right!? 

Topa Topa had their annual Kids Olympics.  There were all kinds of events from running to throwing a ball, to long jump.  They even handed out ribbons for 1st, 2nd, 3rd, even 5th place.  But in reality, if you were bringing home a white fifth place ribbon to show mom and dad, it just wasn't the same as a nice shiny blue ribbon, or red one for second place.  I wonder if some kid at my school took this to heart and started the movement that is prevalent today where everybody wins!  You never know.  I think I may have won first place in the 50-yard dash one year.  All my other ribbons were white at best. I really enjoyed attending Topa Topa.  I have zero bad memories from this school.  I do have some bad memories in relation to school that happened in the outside world.  You'll read about those in my next few posts.

David and I were still in the thick of things as best friends.  Pic n Save was a regular destination for our moms.  I remember roaming around the store one evening and all of the sudden a grown man could be heard yelling at some other poor kid in the store.  Turns out, it was either the manager, or the janitor of the Pic N Save.  My mom was sure to remind me that I could very easily become the recipient of this tormenting and that it was in my best interest to behave whilst inside the store.  Needless to say, David and I were leery of the yelling man for years to follow.  It made us resilient though.  We made sure to make one good rotation around the store, looking to see if the mean guy was roaming about, before we began our mischief.  One of our favorite things to do was smell EVERY SINGLE CANDLE.  To all of you Ventura County residents that caught a head cold from this, you are welcome.  David and I improved your immune systems!  Anyone remember the SWAP meets down at the drive-in theater parking lot?  I would obtain my second bike from here.  It was a grossly heavy bike with a large frame and big red knobby tires.  I loved those tires.  I could ride through five feet of mud with those things!  Or so I dreamed.  While spending the night at Davids, we would ride our bikes endlessly out on his street.  My house was no more than 100 yards away so I could easily just ride my bike back and forth.  David had a really cool Diamond back bike that he loved.  I talked him in to riding my bike one day, so that I could ride his.  While he was riding with a big ol smile on his face, my swap meet bike actually came apart at the frame and the handlebars.  David would be stretched out like Gumby while the front wheel pulled away from the rest of the bike.  Eventually he couldn't stretch any further, with wide bugged out eyes, and a shrill scream, he would eat it right on to the pavement.  If I recall, he got a fairly nice raspberry out of that one.  I can hear the screams of pain coming out of his bathroom when his mom cleaned the scrapes up with hydrogen peroxide.  He never agreed to switch anything with me ever again.  My beloved bike was useless after this incident.  Bye bye red knobby tires!

My Dad worked for the U.S. Forest Service before, and after the Vietnam war.  He was a Rec Tech upon return from Nam and while working one day, he overheard a call on the radio about someone fleeing up Hwy 33 trying to evade the police.  My dad listened to the vehicle description and actually found the car the police were looking for.  He also found the suspect.  With shovel in hand, he held the suspect down awaiting the police to arrive, threatening to whack the man if he moved.  There's no way the suspect knew my dad was a combat veteran.  But my dad has a look to him that kind of says don't mess with me, and so, this guy evading capture was captured by my dad, using nothing more than a shovel.  He's lucky too.  My dad would have beat the living day lights out of that guy had he tried anything.  A seasoned Vietnam combat Veteran is the last person you want to tangle with, especially holding a shovel!  Shortly after this incident, a volunteer program emerged for personnel who were interested in starting the LEO program in the Los Padres Forest.  This was right up my dad's alley.  He would spend the remainder of his career as an LEO patrolling the forest.  He had to attend a training academy in Glenco Georgia in 83.  I remember him talking to us about leaving for a few months.  But the time he was actually gone went by fast.  My mom probably remembers differently.  Especially having to do everything around the house, including taking care of us snot nose kids.  She has a good story she likes to talk about from this point in time.  There was a water leak in our house, and she needed to shut the water off from outside.  She went out and tried with all of her strength to close the water shut off valve but could not budge it.  A quick prayer to God to help her turn this valve was made, and as soon as she tried turning the valve one more time, it closed!  Easy as cutting through butter she says.  She is certain that God heard her prayer.  The remainder of 83 is a blur.  Just wait until the next post though.  Things are getting good!

World events in 83 were becoming a bit unsettling.  The cold war was ramping up, nuclear warheads were being staged at various points in Europe.  I was oblivious to all of this thank goodness.  The internet was becoming ever closer to existence.  The Kilauea volcano would begin erupting.  Did you know this lasted until the year 2018!  Fascinating.  The UK was hit by 'Red Rain'.  An actual phenomenon that occurs when sand from the Sahara Desert collects in rain drops actually making the rain look red in color.  Some artist has a song with red rain in the lyrics... is it, Peter Gabriel?  The Miami Dolphins would lose the Superbowl to the Washington Redskins. Karen Carpenter would die of complications from her eating disorder.  My sister to this day absolutely loves her music.  83 would be the year a thoroughbred horse was actually kidnapped and held for ransom!  A ransom of 2 million was demanded.  No money was ever paid and the horse, whose name was Shergar, was never returned to its owners.  Australia would experience terrible bush fires that would eventually kill 75 people, 17 of those being firefighters.  This day in history is known as Ash Wednesday.  Michael Jackson would produce the song Thriller.  I think we all know how popular that song became.  On T.V.  The last episode of M.A.S.H. aired.  To this day it holds the record for the biggest television event relating to a sitcom, with 105.9 million people tuning in to watch.  The only other program to surpass this number, was the Superbowl of 2010

A tornado would hit Los Angeles in 83.  Wind speeds were clocked between 113 and 157 mph!  No one was killed, yet 31 people were injured.  The compact disc was released in the U.S.  At a whopping $1000.00, they proved to be very popular.  Gasoline cost $1.24 a gallon.  The median household income was a little over $20,000.  First class stamps were .20 cents.  Homes averaged in cost at $110,000.00.  The Federal  Government set the minimum wage at $3.35 an hour.  Interesting fact:  When I started working in 91 as a box boy at Double J market, I was only making $3.75 an hour!  So minimum wage had only gone up .50 cents an hour in those eight years!  Unemployment was at an all-time high in 83. 

Cousin Vicki:  "I'm going steady, and I French kiss."

Audrey Griswold: "So?  Everybody does that."

Cousin Vicki:  " Yeah, but Daddy says I'm the best at it."

- National Lampoons Vacation 1983