The Life of Brian
1982
Ever wonder how humans got here? Well, that's a discussion I really don't want to get into. There are all kinds of ideas, and some are pretty defensive about theirs. So, let's just talk about my seventh year on this third rock from the sun.
At Seven, most are in the second grade. That included me. Topa Topa elementary school was a great place to grow up. I don't have any scary or bad memories from attending this school. However, I do recall that somewhere around second grade, our principle was removed from his head position. He apparently had been doing some stuff with kids that only a person who belongs in prison would do. I don't remember the exact details, but it wasn't good. A man by the name of Mr. Butler would replace him. Mr. Butler never went to prison, so I assume he was a good principle. I cannot remember my teachers name in second grade. Might have been Mrs Vogle, but I'd have to do some research. I do recall showing up to school one day, and at some point, could've been at home weeks earlier, could've been that morning, I don't know, but somehow, I managed to rip a two-inch diameter hole in the back seat of my pants. You could see my underwear it was so big. It could have been from the swing set. I used to love the swings in the playground. Either way, this hole was big enough to be embarrassing even for a second grader! My mom may have brought me another pair of pants or shorts to change in to. I do remember that my teacher was adamant about me NOT wearing the pants for one more second of the day.
School was fun. I used to swing, run, play, and eat lunch outside. I know I had various lunch boxes over the years in elementary school. One I believe had a big picture of the Hulk on it. I can still remember carrying it to school and placing it with thirty other lunch boxes on a big shelf in one of the halls. This lunch box would eventually somehow end up with a big crack in it before the year was over. My mom would pack my lunches every day. I don't remember what was in them. Must have been mostly good because I always ate them. Some things were awkward at seven of course. Every kid has their moments to remember. For the most part I was a quiet, shy little boy. I had a best friend that attended the same school. His name was David. I might have met him sometime around first grade, can't remember. But we were real good friends by grade three. We'd spend the night at each other's house often, and our moms would take us down to Ventura to shop. We spent a lot of time in the Pic n Save down in Ventura. One of our favorite things to do while our mothers shopped, was to get into the middle of the clothes racks. No one could see us in there, and when a shopper came around and started moving hangers to look at various clothing items, boy were they shocked to see two little eyes staring back at them from inside the rack! It All went fine and dandy, until we were both in the same clothes rack and actually knocked the thing over! Needless to say, that ended the Pic n Save event for the day. We were in big trouble after that one. David and I were really close friends. We'd spend the next five years doing all kinds of stuff. If I wasn't spending the night at his house, he was probably spending it at mine. We had tons of fun. And we didn't need to go anywhere, we would simply play in each other's house or yard. Those were some good times.
Right around the age of seven, I had a really cool bike that my parents had bought me. I remember it being red in color. I would ride it endlessly around our yard. We did not have a garage, only a carport that was pretty much open. I would often leave this bike leaning up against the house at some spot in the yard. Someone else must have seen me riding said bike and liked it better than I did because they stole it! I remember looking all over the yard, but it was gone. My Dad was not happy about this of course. Whoever stole it was very lucky they didn't come across my dad in the middle of the night. They may have left with more than a tongue lashing. This event could be why today, I am constantly checking to make sure everything is locked up outside. As well as making sure all windows and doors are locked before going to bed.
Our family would bar b que quite often. This was a good time to gather with Aunts and Uncles, and also friends. Davids parents were good friends with my mom and dad. Randy, David's dad, had worked at the Pepsi plant with my Uncle Raymond, and also my dad's dad. I seem to recall that my grandpa actually died of a heart attack at the plant. Randy was the one whom found him, sadly. So, we would do things often with the Nettles. Randy smoked at the time, and someone had found a gag trick that involved a little tiny explosive stick. You would shove the stick into the end of a cigarette and when the smoker burned his or her cigarette down to this stick, BOOM! It was powerful enough to actually blow out the end of the cigarette! This provided great comical entertainment for those of us watching it happen. The victim quite understandably, felt otherwise. I specifically remember the day Randy found out about the gag. There was great laughter, and Randy, being a nice guy who also liked to joke, found the fun in it eventually. There was definitely an art form to place the explosive. You couldn't leave it right at the tip. This would cause explosion right as the person lit their cigarette. So, pushing it in to the tobacco a good way insured that the user would get a few puffs before their cancer stick blew up in their face. After the initial round of doing this, it also became increasingly hard to get one to give you their cigarettes without being ultra suspicious. Then, there was the newspaper rolled up into a funnel prank. Most of you probably know of this one. My Uncle would learn firsthand what cold water felt like down the front of his pants while he tried to get a quarter off of his forehead and into the newspaper funnel whilst shutting his eyes. Luckily, most of my family had a good sense of humor, and all jokes were taken well. They were connoisseurs of alcohol, which also helped.
So, life was good at this young age. My mom would buy clothes for me. To this day I do not care about clothing. As long as it fits basically is all I'm concerned with. She would buy me these sleeveless shirts to wear in the warmer months. One, I specifically remember being and Ozzy Osborne shirt. On it, a picture of some lightning bolts and bats, and of course Mr. Osbornes face with his tongue sticking out. Another sleeveless shirt was from the movie Ghostbusters. To recap, my seventh year being alive was an amazing time. I am forever grateful to my parents.
On to the costs of various items. Things like cars and homes are starting to get a little pricey in 82. Not nearly as bad as today's prices in my opinion. But they seem to begin to creep up at a higher rate. A Lincoln town car, brand new cost $13,491.00. Buick Regal, $8,000.00. A Chevy Chevette, $6,912.00. You could buy two Ariva tires for eighty bucks. A quart of oil, .89 cents. Beverages were low in cost. A can of Choc Full O' Nuts was just two dollars. A 2-liter bottle of Coke, just .99 cents. Men's suits were still $250.00 for higher end, non-tailored. Womens dresses, $22 up to $100. A quartz Tissot watch, $65 bucks. Eight, four and a half ounce jars of baby food cost $1.00. Eggs, .79cents a dozen. One pint of California strawberries were .59cents. Furniture. A five-piece rattan dining room set cost $179.00. LazyBoy recliner, $170.00. Sofa and loveseat set, $1250.00. A microwave oven from Sears, $449.00. A 19" color T.V. cost around $369.00.
You could buy a four-bedroom, Cape cod style home for $78,000.00. Three room apartments rented for $375 a month. If you were a delivery driver you could expect to make roughly $350 to $500 a month. Keypunch operator, $200 per week. Maybe you were a telephone solicitor? $125 to $450 a week. Who recalls phone solicitors in the 80's? The average American was earning around $23,430.00 a year. Did anyone happen to own a Lamborghini Countach? Well, even in the year 2023, you'd pay over three hundred thousand dollars for a 1982 Countach! 1982 was the debut for this prestigious vehicle. Only 321 were produced that year, at a price tag of $750,000.00. At $488.00 a week income, this car was untouchable for 97 percent of the population.
I hope you continue to follow me in this journey of jogging my memory from the past. It's turning out to be pretty fun, and enjoyable to carry out. As always, I leave you with a quote.
Replying to what is "Best in life."
"Crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and hear the lamentation of the women!"
-Arnold Schwarzenegger (Conan the Barbarian 1982)
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